remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
