I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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