bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
