Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
my liver is dry heaving
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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