My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
