go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
