just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
