Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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