listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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