We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
