i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
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He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
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Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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