Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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