He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Randomize
