I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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