How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
