Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
