it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
