Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
