I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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