Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
