when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
