What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
