Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Is Oprah even human
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
