At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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