so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
