Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
