Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
