Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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