If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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