You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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