I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
