She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I could have mohawked her pubes.
please come you make the beer taste better
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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