I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Randomize
