I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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