I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
