Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
