note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
