I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Everyone says I win the strip club
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
