your parents love me but you hate me
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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