he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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