Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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