I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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