I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
