every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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