I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
