Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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