There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I have demons in me.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
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he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
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I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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