So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
