god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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