That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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