Soap is not a condiment
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
