1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
