i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
