i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
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