A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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