and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
