I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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