i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
