i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
