highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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