I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
When are your genitals available?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
