I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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