What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
