Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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